Thoughts lately

Spring arrives here in Lubbock much earlier than OH. I know, that's not a news flash to anyone, but it still feels weird to me. I feel like I should have another month to prepare for planting, patio weather, and getting my skin to a better shade of pale, instead of that aqua color I get during the winter. But it's here none the less... today is the first day of spring regardless of location in the U.S., and so I better pony up, and get ready. Joseph and I spent this past weekend considering our plans for the yard and flower beds, and the patio. The home improvement stores have put out all the spring plants, including one of my favorites- forsythia! I know it can get out of control in a hurry, but I just love it's bright yellow color, trumpeting that Spring is here. So... we got some, and I'm so excited. I can't wait for them to be bright yellow globes of sunshine.

Here's what I've been learning this week about marriage, or at least, what I'm trying to understand. Here's the background: my brother and I were talking earlier last week about marriage, and he mentioned a phrase I thought was interesting - agenda wars. It sounds a little harsh, but we both admitted it would be used for lack of a better term. He described it as being when two spouses have consistent struggles over what decisions/agenda/schedules would be followed. He said that he felt as if he and his wife had finally come to be on the same team in their own lives. It got me thinking about my own marriage, and how we relate to one another. Am I on my husband's team? Does he think I'm on his team? Do others see us as being on the same team? I immediately wanted to say yes to all those questions, but I'm pausing a moment to look at my actions and determine if that's the right answer. I've been evaluating our conversations this week, and tone we use. I recognized that I often seem to "spin" an idea to Joe so that he'll agree with me. Basically I try to think of what would appeal to him most about my idea, and then try to really play up that aspect so he'll agree to what I want to do. I have a hunch that he does the same thing with me. This approach towards our decision making is very much an agenda war. This is not to say that we disagree all the time. I'm just recognizing that we "spin" often.

So, why do I do this spinning? Why do I feel I have to pitch my idea? I think it boils down to a trust issue. There's many layers of trust, and I think this one is somewhere near the deeper levels. I trust my husband, and I'm deeply committed to him. But I think part of every intimate relationship is learning to trust more freely. It's a growing process together. Little by little you begin to trust the intention and character of the other person, until you reach a point where there's no fear that your own care will be considered by that person. Isn't that really why I think I need to sell my ideas? I want them to agree with me so that I can make the decision, so that I can feel confident I'll be taken care of. End result: that I'll be happy.

Well, that leads into another room doesn't it? That my happiness is dependent on whether I'm cared for. Think about it. Think about the people in your life who you trust implicitly - and hopefully you have at least one person in that category. In my life, I feel confident in knowing that the things they decide will be for my benefit. I trust that they've considered how the decision will affect me, and that it will not harm or hurt me. So here's where rubber meets the road for me: if asked whether I trust that my husband will consider me in all decisions, and whether his decisions will benefit me, I would answer Yes without hesitation. Well, then what's my problem? Since I do trust him with my cares, then the trusting thing to do is to talk freely, and openly with him. This may scare my subconscious, but the outcome is a closer, more intimate relationship with my husband which is what I really want.

I think everyone wants to be known completely and still accepted. I think that desire is placed in us by God. It's part of that void in us, that draws us to Him. A huge part of that knowing and accepting is trust. It's key to our relationships. God is showing me ways in which I can trust deeper, in Him, and in my husband- my teammate. One of the things I love about being married is the way that you learn things about your own personality that you never saw before. It's part of the process of being shaped by another. When Joe and I were dating, my dad told me that I needed to decide if I wanted to be sanded by someone else in my life. If I would let another person in to sand off the rough edges of my personality - the edges that were abrasive, not appealing. Now that I'm married, I see it happening everyday. And I love it.